What If Your Nanny Hates Your Kid?

Child Rearing, Nanny

 DOES YOUR NANNY HATE YOUR CHILD OR JUST HER JOB?

I want to love her.

I think she is adorable and has amazing potential to be great kid and as time goes, great adult.

I want to love her.

I want to want to snuggle her and kiss her and tell her silly stories.

I know it’s not her fault, but I can’t stand that child.

She is just a child. She copies other people’s behavior. She listen words other say. She follows action we all do around her. I want to love her. I want people on the street or in library to think she is sweet and behaved little girl. I want to be proud of her and I want to be part of her life for many years, not just until I snap and quit.

What can I do to fix this?

In past weeks I tried to use nice ways to explain my opinion to the family.

I believe –girl- is going through some issues recently and I am struggling with right approach to get her to behave appropriately, what do you do when she does certain things like screams, throws food on the floor and purposely hits dog in face? – That was the question I asked today and they didn’t answer. They changed topic and moved on with questions about what will I do this weekend.

I know this is only one specific case, but it isn’t just this family, or this kid. It is my previous job, it’s my sister, it is my brother in law. I am surrounded with parents who refuse to discipline their kids. I always, up until now, found excuses for them.

They work too much, and they want to spend quality and fun time with their kids.

They don’t want their kid to hate them.

They prefer to believe it isn’t happening.

They don’t see their behavior as bad.

They are too tired and Tv / iPad will solve it for now.

 

And I understand, I really do. I am not a mother and I don’t want to judge (and I don’t want you to judge me, before trying to see bigger picture), I just want to put focus on importance of a word NO.

 

I want to say to all parents how much I love this job, and I love to see progress I make with kids. I love hearing thank you and we appreciate it. I love the idea of getting Christmas Bonus for my effort. And most of all, after spending just a month with a child I take care of,  hearing her saying thank you and please, putting hand on her mouth and cleaning her toys.

 

In situation I am in right now, I love everything except the way parents are raising their child. I am aware how controversial and risky for me is to admit this publicly, but I will.

I DISAGREE WITH THE WAY MY EMPLOYERS TREAT THEY CHILD LIKE SHE IS PRINCESS .

I disagree with the fact that she never hears word NO from anyone

I disagree with the fact she is not taught or encouraged to do anything by herself

I disagree with the fact that 2 year old chooses her own meals and times when to eat them

I disagree with the fact that I need to clean her mess instead of encouraging her to clean after herself

I disagree that family dog has to be outside whining all day because she keeps hitting him, and she has no consequences

I disagree that her being tired is excuse to behave any way she wants

I disagree with words her parents use when she does something mean (hit other kids, screams, hit dogs)

I disagree with ways they want her to be this big deal, big kid and they are missing how she’s not ready

 

I was part of a recent Employers – Unsatisfied Nannies debate and it made me so upset and helpless for not being able to reach to them. To say how much we do, how much we care and how much more we could do if you help us out. Coming to your nanny with snotty, you are worthless, attitude will just make us hate your kids and our jobs. And we want to love them. We really do.

As an au pair or nanny, we agree to be kind, gentle, caring women doing everything possible to make lives of our employers and “host” kids better.

We spend our evenings doing research on new books and crafts to do next day, we take kids to new cool places, put sunscreen on, read, play, sing, dance, jump and endure bad days, because it is what we love and what we chose to make our job and career.

But what happens if you hate it?

Are you bad person if you hate your days, your routine or even worse – if you start resenting kids you have to cherish and love every day?

yep

As our life goes, we hear our friends, parents, boyfriends complain about their job and swearing their bosses. People are posting silly photos on Facebook in excitement that “it’s Friday” and “Thanks God! – week is over”. We are so used to hating our jobs and it makes it ok, because as long as we do what we have to do, we are good. No one cares how you feel about it.

Being childcare provider, we don’t have that privilege. By saying you hate your job, you automatically become this mean, unethical creature because why are you working with children if you hate it?

We don’t have rights to complain, ask for a break or call in sick, because people depend on us. Yet, sometimes we are not appreciated.

Sometimes it happens we agree to take a job and care for a child. Nice toddler who is excited to see you and happy they have someone new. Family seems nice to you, offer amazing benefits and you feel you should accept it. So you do, but as time goes, family has more and more demands that are not in contract and that little angel turns out to be spoiled a**. And there is absolutely nothing you can do or say.

No complaining to your friends, on Facebook, no support from anyone because no one will admit their kid is crossing the limits (“it’s just a phase”, “he is just tired”, “she must be teething”) and all you have left to do is suck it up and keep your mouth shut.

 

How to deal with situation like this? What is a good way to tell parents of a child that you wish you were dead every morning that you need to come to work?

How to find correct way of saying to people that being mentally stable at 8:30 pm after day with kids is something to be celebrated and that your 11$ is so fu*king not enough – or if you are lucky enough to be an au pair –  it is 4.35 per hour.

In the case of being au pair, you have even less right to be unsatisfied with the whole deal, because you get food (supposedly) and room, so 195.75 per week is perfectly enough for you.Toddler with a bottle and a flower

 

Being a nanny is hard. People have expectations and you are, most of the time, not paid enough to feel you should do your best with household chores in the family.

One of the nanny friends recently told me that just appreciation and thank you from employers should be reason enough to be my best, because there is nothing better for nanny than employers noticing her effort.

I can’t live of a thank you, nor it will make my days easier. By cleaning their house, helping to raise their kid, and coming home to clean my home and maintaining my life functional, what do I get?

And how to find a way or place to vent, rant and be unsatisfied with my work situation and daily routine without being called lazy, spoiled, mean girl with no work ethic?

Shouldn’t the fact that I care for wellbeing of this child mean I am a good childcare provider? Isn’t this anger in me sign I want better for her?

And wouldn’t it be easier for parents as well to have 5 year old, 8 year-old or 12 year-old cleaning their room and showing respect and appreciation to people around them?

 

Why are nannies who are being realistic and care enough to fix things,  called names and being frowned upon if all we do is making change in your kid’s life?

I want to love that kid. I really do.

But tough love is love as well, and it seems I always end up giving tough love, so parents can have funny, sweet, do-whatever-you-want-watch-tv-all-Saturday love.

 

Did you ever feel this way? What ways you use to fix and maintain relationship with your employers?

 

Thank you for reading!

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29 Comments

  • Reply
    SP
    September 27, 2014 at 12:08 am

    This is a really interesting topic and a complicated one. I think as professional nannies we need to have super sonic intuition ( which isn’t taught ) about the families we are entering into. It’s not just a job , it’s a whole life – world / family that we are merging into, and sometimes for many years. This is where nannies and parents need to grill each other on beliefs , thoughts on raising children, and get a very strong vibe for each other’s ideals. It’s not just a verbal thing – it’s a super intuition. If you see the red flag signs ( for you ) in the initial few meetings, then don’t take the family on. Some days are amazingly brilliant and you come home with such pride and joy of what you’ve achieved in a day. You fall in love with the child all over again and the role. Other days ( rarely ) truly just suck ( for want of a better word ) .. where you feel like you’re paddling up a stream without paddles. The parents just don’t get it or see it, and the child is going backwards in decent behaviour. No one outside of a carer would truly understand it. At times its excruciatingly frustrating. ( this is where a good network of nanny colleagues comes in handy ) A talk and the ears of another understanding nanny can save the day and your sanity! Mostly as a professional career nanny, I get it right. Sometimes it’s tricky. Ideal situation – parents and nannies working as a team with the same ideals and discipline to have a positive effective outcome. I find starting with a with a young baby much easier than trying to walk into an already set ( sometimes bad ) routine. Sometimes down the track there will always be things you see ( from parents ) that aren’t particularly disabling bad behaviour. There is an extremely fine line between bringing it up with parents and *doing the best you can with what you’ve got* it’s a tricky business and massive food for thought amongst us nannies. I would also love to hear from other nannies, on some of the topics raised in this controversial article.

  • Reply
    Rebecca
    September 27, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Oh my goodness. Amazing that somebody found these perfect and fitting words to express how so many people feel…

  • Reply
    health
    September 28, 2014 at 7:16 am

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  • Reply
    pretty princess
    October 1, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    I like the valuable information you provide
    in your articles. I will bookmark your weblog and check again here frequently.

    I am quite sure I will learn many new stuff right here!
    Best of luck for the next!

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      October 1, 2014 at 9:03 pm

      Thank you, Pretty Princess 🙂
      I really appreciate your feedback 🙂

  • Reply
    kasia
    October 2, 2014 at 8:41 am

    I love your blog and your style!!! I think that parents don’t care because a) they were raised the same way and they don’t see a problem, sorry, but a lot of adults are a******* as well and they never heard NO from anybody, b) they mostly feel guilty they never see their kids and don’t want to be “the bad guys”, c) they are blinded byt their love to kids and just don’t see a problem:).

     

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      October 2, 2014 at 12:06 pm

      I agree with you with all of those. I just always thought, if you love your kids so much don’t you want to make sure they are being their best? it seems some parents are living day by day and not thinking about what kind of people will their kids become if they don’t step up.
      Thank you for commenting 🙂

  • Reply
    we are fans
    October 24, 2014 at 1:29 am

    Hi. I just now stumbled to your page while browsing Yahoo . Ive bookmarked it. Ill definitely return. I was wondering, have you ever seen Inception yet? I’m sure this is random. I want to elapse film store and snap it up today. Its awesome. See ya.

  • Reply
    nathalie
    April 23, 2015 at 12:45 am

    Hi,
    I stumbled across your blog..and was interesting to read! I have been a nanny for 10 years and have worked for a number of families. May i point out that times have changed and a lot of parents seem to have the approach of ‘child is boss’ i was a woman in the park today who seemed a little nervous by her childs behaviour and there was no dicsipline at all.. I have just Bacone a mother and i have sympathy for a lot of mums out there
    For whatever reason they are Not very maternal or they havent spent much time around children g
    And in this day and Age a lot of woman put there career first.. and have children because that is the done thing…
    They do feel guilty for not being there and the Sad thing is they dont know how to be….
    I worked for a vip family and it was horrible the children and parents but i put this down to there way of life..
    Dont be scared to talk to your employer they will most likely respect you more for it..
    If your unhappy talk to your employer and of you cant find common groumd then leave..
    Ive never ‘hated’ the children i have looked after

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      April 23, 2015 at 9:53 am

      Thank you for sharing that, Nathalie. I don’t hate child I take care of neither. I love her so much. She is the reason why I am still in position. And I agree with you. Regardless what we think, parents do the best they can. They put love and effort and sometimes it doesn’t project the way they want it to, or it is not enough to make a change in kids behavior. I guess, what my problem was in that point when I wrote this – was the lack of effort to make a change and not giving me freedom enough to my best. Things are changing, and I love seeing child I take care off becoming amazingly behaved.

  • Reply
    Mira
    April 24, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Hi. I’ve found your blog a few days ago when you posted on fb in a nanny group. I love it.
    First of all, you have to know that are you allowed to discipline the kid or not. I’ve been in both situation. If you are, than easy peasy. My first nanny job, was perfect in this level. I was raised exactly the same way as the kids at the family were, so they parenting totally matched with my parenting method. At the second family was totally different, sort of a nightmare, however I had to adapt especially that I’m staying in the country (U.K.) and it seems all the English parents have the same view as my first English family. I was shocked how they raise their kids: just as you wrote, they treated them like a prince/princess, the kids were always right etc.
    What helped me is The Supernanny, Jo Frost who is English… After watching a few episodes it was crystalclear, that the problem is not with me, it’s not me who is stupid or whatever. In these families, where the kids behave like mad, the problem is usually the same, namely the parents have different parenting styles. They argue, they are not on the same page as Jo says, so the kid doesn’t know what to do.
    Anyway, after realizing that it’s not my fault and I can’t do a lot about it, I decided to not to give a damn about it. Sink or swim. It’s not healthy to stay with a family where you don’t feel OK.
    What I did and it helped, I introduced the sticker chart to the kids. I put everything on it what i wanted them to do (eat nicely, clean up, change uniform, talk nicely, do the homework, etc) and every Friday we went to the shop to buy a Mr. Men book if they were good the whole week. It worked. These Friday became rituals and they loved it. (there were times – i think one each- when they didn’t get a book because of bad behaviour, but then they remembered it. During the week I constantly reminded them that no Mr. Men book if you…)
    At the same time – with the sticker chart- I also explained to the kids, that when they are my responsibility and I’m taking care of them, there are different rules. If mommy lets them kill each other in the name of liberty i don’t care, but when they are with me they can’t fight with the scissors. I took time, but if you are consistent, they will accept it.
    Now, i’m taking care of 4 kids, 3 of them are screaming and shouting the whole time, one of them is crying for everything. I’ll just offer them a bigger treat after a months (like a safari park, a bigger toy or something) if they will stop it. Somebody told me it takes 21 days to break a habit. Whatever you do or try, just be patient and give it a go.

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      April 25, 2015 at 12:12 am

      Thank you for that amazing comment and advice! I agree with you fully. the way how I see it – I want a child to grow up to be great person, and that is what creates problem for me. This child is really good to me, I manage her very well and I am so proud of progress she made, but because of, like you said, parents don’t follow up, she only learned there are different rules with me and if she wants reward, she has to behave certain way. In this position because I am unsatisfied, it is hard, but I try not to be affected as much, and I hope they will put more effort as time goes by.
      Thanks again for commenting and hope to hear from you again.

  • Reply
    A.
    July 2, 2015 at 1:50 am

    After almost 10 years as a nanny, I’m on the edge of a breakdown and I know that this happened because I wasn’t happy with some of my families (spoiled kids). The most frustrating for me and most draining my mind is that you are making 120% efford to raise their kids the best they can be and they (parents) really don’t follow up. Lately one employer said ‘since I came back to work I feel so guilty that I just cant say no to my kids for any reason tv/sweets etc’. I feel like my work is useless and I know how much it costs me. It’s like being a player on a stock exchange working so hard and loosing everyday. I’m just fed up with a must to adjust to parents rules/style even if it’s completely opposite to what I think is right. That’s why I quit. This summer is the last time I work as a nanny. I am sad in one hand but on the other side super relieved. The next child I’ll raise will be mine (i need a break from children so planning it in 3-4 years) and I’ll raise her/him the way my partner and I think is right.

  • Reply
    chebbydoo
    September 21, 2015 at 10:40 am

    This was such an amazing thing to stumble upon! I’ve been nannying for 8 years and I have to admit that every new family drains me just a little more. It really feels like more and more parents are opting for a nanny rather than day care for all the wrong reasons. They don’t care too much about the one-on-one in home dynamic so much as they just want to have complete and total control over their child’s care. One of my current nanny-kids is an adorable 3 year old boy who I try so so so hard to like. He’s funny and he’s cute….but he has never been introduced to potty training, he throws major tantrums the second he doesn’t get his way because “hearing no will hurt his confidence”, he’s has no manners, he hits his 6 month old brother with no consequences, he decides what he’ll eat and when, he doesn’t pick up after himself, and so much more. I really feel like I’m going crazy. And as much as I’d like to speak with the parents about it, I know how easily replaceable I am. With sites like care.com, they can place an add and have 50 applicants ready to start in a week!
    Another thing that drives me insane is that they have this strict NO TV rule. But that seems to only apply when the child is my care because every morning when I arrive, and every evening when the mom comes home, the TV is on with cartoons. I would resent this so much if the kid didn’t throw a huge fit every day when he demands it and I am forced to say no. I am just so sick of parents acting like they hired somebody to be their child’s B**** rather than their care taker.

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      September 21, 2015 at 5:21 pm

      I am sorry! I understand completely how you feel. I wrote that post when I started working for my last family, and even though I “trained” child and we had amazing relationship, I never got comfortable around the parents. I wish you all the luck with your situation .

  • Reply
    Sarah
    October 16, 2015 at 10:35 am

    It is the same with me. My hostkids scream, cry and hit as soon as there is a no. And soon it will change in a yes. I really try so hard to love her but especially my 3 year old keeps pushing me away, constantely tells me “go away!/Stop talking!/Don’t follow me!” or even hits me (which is okay with the hostparents but not with me!). She doesn’t know any consequences. The problem is that I am an au pair and I am never alone with the children. My kids are 2 and 3 and they ALWAYS want their parents – and so they get what they want. I really think of going home right now because I am here to take care of the kids but it is simply not possible… As soon as the kids start to cry for their mummy/daddy, they take over. Consequentely, I can’t bond with them and I really wonder why I am here?! This is not the way it is supposed to be; it makes me – and my hostparents as well – frustrated. I think they want me to leave and I can understand if they say they can’t pay me for nothing. Really. I love being an au pair and I like living in the USA but right now, I don’t know what to do anymore…

  • Reply
    Danielle R.
    November 6, 2015 at 5:19 am

    When I read this article I felt a great relief that I wasn’t the only one in the world that hates the child that they take care of. I take care of an only child and I know you must be thinking having only one child isn’t hard right? Except when the child you take care of is a complete brat. His parents are divorced and I believe the only reason they had this child is save their already forsaken relationship. Their child always gets what he wants, and as a result whenever he hears the word no he has a mental breakdown. His father is drunk half the time and even though he “works from home”, he only spends about a hour or two with his son on the days his son is with him. His mother works all the time, and when she does come home she does not discipline her son because she is too “tired”. Their son when he is with me alone does not listen to me at all, and when I attempt the only form of discipline (time out) their son feels as if this is time for him to go wild. I have ultimately given up on the relationship between their child and I. As much as he may “love” me I can’t bring myself to love a child that is being brought up in a complete 180 from my childhood. I guess it’s because my mother was always with me and I never had a nanny or babysitter that wasn’t my grandparents. I am this child’s 5th nanny and he is only 6. It takes every fiber of my being not to lose my patience when he completely disregards my authority. When I try to reach out to his parents when he is truly behaving at his worst, they literally do nothing. Then the father turns it on me, for example the other day when James had a temper tantrum for no reason and I attempted to put him in time out the dad says, ” I get it YOURE tired…etc”. As if his son is doing nothing wrong. I cannot wait till I finish college to quit this job!

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      November 10, 2015 at 10:37 am

      Hi Danielle, I am sorry you are in such bad spot. Can’t you find better family. There are amazing employers around, they are just hiding 🙂

  • Reply
    Val
    January 4, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    Exactly how I feel today. I was an aupair in 2012 and I’ve been a nanny since then. I can’t get over the fact that most of the families I worked for were oblivious to their children’s bad behaviors and didn’t recognize my work, i rarely felt appreciated. Now that I work for multiple families and rarely babysit for the same family more than twice a week, all the little progress I achieve in these brief moments gets lost throught the week, since the parents don’t reeinforce and actually work against me by spoiling the hell out of the kids. When i worked as a live in nanny it was easier to manage it and create a routine. Now it’s like every week i start from zero! It frustrates me so much that i found this post by googling “nanny hate job”. I do love the kids, and they are certainly the reason why i still do this, but i just had enough… I’m done with this job!! And then you know what?! We’re SO replaceable for these families, they’ll find a new nanny in a heartbeat, while for me, i still miss the first kids i cared for! And I’ll always wonder what happened to them and where did they end up in life!
    I’m ready to move on though, get another job and only care for my own kids,when the time comes (and I think I’ll be a GREAT mom, i certainly learned from their mistakes)!!!
    Thanks for the post, it reminded me of all the reasons why I became a nanny but it also made me realize I probably waited a bit too long to leave! 😉

  • Reply
    Daniela
    May 16, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    God this is what I needed to read! I’ve been looking everywhere for advice, If I tell my friends or mom about it they just say “well suck it up that’s what gives you money” and yes it does but it also gets me anxious every morning to know that I have to deal with this 4 year old monster, he has a baby brother who is 4 months.. the mom works from home 3 days a week and she hears how he talks to me!! “Dont look at me!” “Go sit over there!” “Dont follow me” “dont talk to me” .. he whines about everything, he doesn’t understand no for an answer, plus one of the grandparents is always there, so as soon as he starts crying because he didn’t got his way theh give him a cookie!! The other day I got there and he asked “did you bring me something?” And i said no (because why should I buy him a toy?) And he started crying!!! Then the mom gave him a hug and started with her “ooh sweetie I know you’re upset, I know you want a toy” I thought that maybe it was gonna be just for the first week or two.. but it has been a month! And this is not getting better

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      May 23, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      Daniela, I am pleased you found comfort in the blog post. Please remember that there is only one of you and in order for you to be able to give you MUST be happy. Take good care!

  • Reply
    BG
    May 19, 2016 at 8:45 am

    Oh, these words…

    I was searching around for helpful, encouraging words after a particularly bad day (in truth, they all seem to be bad days these days) where the parent completely reprimanded me about something I’ve been doing for the past 3 years in discipline. I’d been going back and forth about whether or not to get a new job, and these words (both the parent’s and yours) have helped me to stop living in fear that I couldn’t get a new job and to get out there and try and find a better fit for me (and hopefully, the kids here will find a better fit for themselves). How frustrating and sad for the kids that the parents are so inconsistent in their discipline! In turn, they have children who are completely disrespectful and entitled and that’s not my fault, nor responsibility to take on. Thank you for this post 🙂

  • Reply
    Funny Nanny
    May 23, 2016 at 7:31 pm

    I am pleased it has given you the courage to stand up for yourself and to do what you know is best! Take good care

  • Reply
    Paula
    January 21, 2017 at 5:16 pm

    Been a nanny 15 year current live in job 4 years kids awesome parents not so, last night was in my room talking to my non nanny friend having a real moan about my mom boss who has been so rude and ungrateful lately, comes home late leaves her mess everywhere picks at every thing I do generally being v annoying. Came downstairs today to go out(weekend) dad boss said wanted to talk to me he had heard my conversation and was furious at what I had said if I had a problem should tell them pointed out the issues I was talking about I have brought up numerous times and never been addressed by them. Told him I did not appreciate my privacy being invaded ( my room is top of the house away from everything, so he came up and listened at my door!) and gave him 6 weeks notice. I am so tired of being treated like property or servant people who work in offices shops etc do not put up with the things nannies do they would be straight to Hr Been in job 4 years not 1 day off sick never late so flexible head nearly at toes and yet disrespected constantly don’t parents realise how they behave impacts their children…guess not.

  • Reply
    Funny Nanny
    January 21, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    I am so so sorry Paula, that is pretty awful. You are right about the fact that in any other job we would have gone to HR. I wish you all the best in your search for a new job, where are you based? I certainly hope you end up with a family who appreciates you and respects you and the work you do.
    Please keep us posted!

  • Reply
    Paula
    January 22, 2017 at 12:30 am

    Hi, I’m in London, I have had 3 nanny jobs in 15 years so they all seem to start great but after 3 to 4 years I think employers become so used to you they start to take you for granted and think as you’ve always been reliable flexible etc they just push it and push it when I would think if you have a great nanny who’s been with you a long time you would do all you could to keep her. Dad boss told mum boss yesterday and she was furious at him(haha) but I am sticking to my leaving but said I would give her 12 weeks instead of 6 , see still being helpful. I have had enough of nannying so will go back to working in nurseries/schools. Thanks for listening soo nice to know someone else gets it🙂

  • Reply
    Funny Nanny
    January 22, 2017 at 5:28 pm

    Oh, I do get it Paula, I know exactly what you mean, I have the same issue, after about 2 years things start to change and they get out of hand, I have had to leave positions too because of it. I know some Nannies say it is all about how you (the nanny) allows others to treat them, I don’t really agree with it. Yes it is good to set boundaries and it is good to have rules with your employers, however we also have a heart and we also work in positions where we deal with Love, so how can you not be involved???
    I do wish you a lot of luck in finding a great position in a nursery/school, I am sure you will find something you love. Please keep in touch! I will be in London for Nannypalooza in November 🙂

  • Reply
    Marcia watts
    November 4, 2017 at 5:20 am

    As a grandparent, I see a similar situation going on in my son’s home. The nanny loves the 4 year old, with whom she’s been with since the child was 6 months. She hasn’t much affection for the 9 month old and complains to me this child gives her a headache. She also doesn’t care for the mother and butts heads over control. While excellent with the older child, I am concerned she feels the younger child is a burden and this will have consequences in her approach to her…not abuse…but lack of warmth. Should the parents consider changing caregivers?

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