HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DIVORCED BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS EVEN HAVE REAL BOYFRIENDS?
Horrible. Absolutely horrible.
You feel like a failure. You feel like it is the end of the world. You feel like you ruined everything and like your life is over.
You probably know your life is not over, but that doesn’t help the feeling. You also know you are blessed to get out while you still can, before there are kids and debts – but that will not make you feel better either.
It seems world is becoming better place to live. We are fighting for rights, we are accomplishing big things. People are traveling, exploring, developing. Learning and adjusting. Yes, we definitely have it easier than people 60 years ago, but that doesn’t change the way how many things are still perceived.
My situation, my life and my decisions have been shock to many people, including myself.
Almost a year later I still can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe I actually left him, after only year and half of marriage. After perfect wedding, after staying in this foreign country because and for him, I left him. Almost year later, many people don’t even know I am divorced, because I am embarrassment for my family. Because in my country, you stay. My, now ex, husband even mockingly told me: “I thought you people never get divorced, you coward!”
Am I really a coward? Am I failure?
I met him 3 years ago. I was still fresh, my English was not bad, but I was insecure and single for over 3 years in that point. He was cute, blond, blue eyes, making stupid jokes and making me feel special. Like in American movies, you know. My life was a fairytale, and he took me to 11h long date. He kissed me and respected me. We talked days and months and we could not be happier. When time came for me to leave country, we couldn’t imagine that. How could I leave? Why would I leave when we love each other? We got married soon after, and I moved in.
I did try being good Christian girl and we haven’t lived together before marriage and that is where I made mistake.
I didn’t know then. I didn’t suspect that he is not what I thought he is. When all of it was over, when he was fighting for his life and after I was gone, his family told me they thought I knew. They didn’t want to say anything before, because we looked so happy.
He was not a bad man, but he wasn’t good husband.
He was not nice, he was not respectful, he was not kind. He was like a piece of furniture I had to walk around. He was like one of the children I had to take care of. He was not there, and yet I didn’t see it then. He was (still is) charming, and he always got me thinking it was me. He got me to go to therapy to work on my paranoia. He wanted me to be someone else, to look different, to be different, and I didn’t get it. If I haven’t witnessed it, I still wouldn’t get it.
Months later I discovered he was abusing pills, he was alcoholic and he had no control over any of it anymore.. I found out he didn’t have little problem (like he told me before), but he was hardcore addict. He met me days after leaving rehab, and he never continued program.
Am I coward for leaving an addict?
Things became so bad and I left. I tried. I cried. I went to AA meetings, I took him to ER countless times and I left.
Now, I am fighting people judgment. No one stops to ask what is it like? How am I? People see I moved on, people see me happy and they judge. They are angry, provocative. They can’t understand, but they won’t ask.
I am in my late twenties. I am starting over. I can act like it never happened, but it did. It altered my behavior and taught me so much. It helped me grow and appreciate little things (like my new man brushing his teeth more than once a week).
I can’t say I regret marrying him, but it hurts to be tricked, lied to, judged and mocked. It hurts to be alone and lonely.
It hurts getting divorced in any age, I imagine, and I am grateful I got out on time, but I will not get that chance to be a bride again, to have that experience of pure happiness, pure love, pure joy and excitement if it ever happens again that I get engaged or married.
If it happens again, people will roll their eyes, and maybe even refuse wedding invitation.
I did it all already. What else is left to do, and that hurts me. I am ashamed, scared, sad on moments. I am not enjoying my life and I am constantly rethinking what will I do, what can I do? How can I be smarter next time?
I still feel like I need closure. I didn’t let myself be hurt or sad. I needed to save him, I needed to save myself. I didn’t have time to accept the fact that I am 20 something and divorced, when my best friend never even had serious relationship.
I need to get in peace with the fact that maybe I am a coward, and I should’ve stayed, enable, save, cry, work for both of us and be a wife I vowed to be. I broke my vow. I broke my promise. I need to learn to trust myself, to trust others. To have faith and to forgive myself.
I know I will never forgive him. Not until he wakes up and his little bubble of enablers gets him to see what he did, I can not forgive. Divorced after year and half of marriage, in a foreign country. Learning, living, hoping, crying, getting up and making it work.
That is what it’s like to be divorced in your twenties.
*this post might contain affiliate links*