Divorced In Your 20’s

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HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DIVORCED in your 20's? horrible. I am happy I did it, but It wasn't easy

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DIVORCED BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS EVEN HAVE REAL BOYFRIENDS?

 

Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

You feel like a failure. You feel like it is the end of the world. You feel like you ruined everything and like your life is over.
You probably know your life is not over, but that doesn’t help the feeling. You also know you are blessed to get out while you still can, before there are kids and debts – but that will not make you feel better either.

 

It seems world is becoming better place to live. We are fighting for rights, we are accomplishing big things. People are traveling, exploring, developing. Learning and adjusting. Yes, we definitely have it easier than people 60 years ago, but that doesn’t change the way how many things are still perceived.

 

My situation, my life and my decisions have been shock to many people, including myself.

Almost a year later I still can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe I actually left him, after only year and half of marriage. After perfect wedding, after staying in this foreign country because and for him, I left him. Almost year later, many people don’t even know I am divorced, because I am embarrassment for my family. Because in my country, you stay. My, now ex, husband even mockingly told me: “I thought you people never get divorced, you coward!”

 

 

Am I really a coward? Am I failure?

 

I met him 3 years ago. I was still fresh, my English was not bad, but I was insecure and single for over 3 years in that point. He was cute, blond, blue eyes, making stupid jokes and making me feel special. Like in American movies, you know. My life was a fairytale, and he took me to 11h long date. He kissed me and respected me.  We talked days and months and we could not be happier. When time came for me to leave country, we couldn’t imagine that. How could I leave? Why would I leave when we love each other? We got married soon after, and I moved in.

I did try being good Christian girl and we haven’t lived together before marriage and that is where I made mistake.

I didn’t know then. I didn’t suspect that he is not what I thought he is. When all of it was over, when he was fighting for his life and after I was gone, his family told me they thought I knew. They didn’t want to say anything before, because we looked so happy.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DIVORCED in your 20's? #divorce

 

He was not a bad man, but he wasn’t good husband.

He was not nice, he was not respectful, he was not kind. He was like a piece of furniture I had to walk around. He was like one of the children I had to take care of. He was not there, and yet I didn’t see it then. He was (still is) charming, and he always got me thinking it was me. He got me to go to therapy to work on my paranoia. He wanted me to be someone else, to look different, to be different, and I didn’t get it. If I haven’t witnessed it, I still wouldn’t get it.

Months later I discovered he was abusing pills, he was alcoholic and he had no control over any of it anymore.. I found out he didn’t have little problem (like he told me before), but he was hardcore addict. He met me days after leaving rehab, and he never continued program.

 

Am I coward for leaving an addict?

 

Things became so bad and I left. I tried. I cried. I went to AA meetings, I took him to ER countless times and I  left.

Now, I am fighting people judgment. No one stops to ask what is it like? How am I? People see I moved on, people see me happy and they judge. They are angry, provocative.  They can’t understand, but they won’t ask.

I am in my late twenties. I am starting over. I can act like it never happened, but it did. It altered my behavior and taught me so much. It helped me grow and appreciate little things (like my new man brushing his teeth more than once a week).

I can’t say I regret marrying him, but it hurts to be tricked, lied to, judged and mocked. It hurts to be alone and lonely.

It hurts getting divorced in any age, I imagine, and I am grateful I got out on time, but I will not get that chance to be a bride again, to have that experience of pure happiness, pure love, pure joy and excitement if it ever happens again that I get engaged or married.

If it happens again, people will roll their eyes, and maybe even refuse wedding invitation.

I did it all already. What else is left to do, and that hurts me. I am ashamed, scared, sad on moments. I am not enjoying my life and I am constantly rethinking what will I do, what can I do? How can I be smarter next time?

I still feel like I need closure. I didn’t let myself be hurt or sad. I needed to save him, I needed to save myself. I didn’t have time to accept the fact that I am 20 something and divorced, when my best friend never even had serious relationship.

I need to get in peace with the fact that maybe I am a coward, and I should’ve stayed, enable, save, cry, work for both of us and be a wife I vowed to be. I broke my vow. I broke my promise. I need to learn to trust myself, to trust others. To have faith and to forgive myself.

I know I will never forgive him. Not until he wakes up and his little bubble of enablers gets him to see what he did, I can not forgive. Divorced after year and half of marriage, in a foreign country. Learning, living, hoping, crying, getting up and making it work.

That is what it’s like to be divorced in your twenties.

 

 

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    slowlyglobal
    June 30, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    You are *not* the coward here… And now you’re free.

  • Reply
    Tania
    June 30, 2015 at 2:34 pm

    I got divorced in my 20’s after having two kids. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and my children.

    If you get the chance to do it all over again I promise it will be even more exciting than the first time. I am now engaged to a wonderful man and we are getting married in 3 weeks. I am so much more excited than I was for my first wedding, even my family are coming along even though they have seen me be married before. There is not as big of a stigma attached to second marriages as there used to be!

    You are not a coward. In fact I believe you are brave. It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave and do it all on your own, especially in a different country!!

    Best of luck! xx

  • Reply
    Erin @ Platings and Pairings
    June 30, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    It is SO hard and emotionally tolling to be with an addict. Getting divorced may be the best thing you could have done. I hope that you move on to be more happy than you could ever imagine. It will happen!

  • Reply
    Create/Enjoy (@SuzannahStanley)
    June 30, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    What a hard story. So sorry for the hard things that happened, and you will move on and be stronger and happier!

  • Reply
    Piggeldy
    July 1, 2015 at 12:37 am

    You did the right thing. You saved yourself.

  • Reply
    Marlynn Jayme Schotland
    July 1, 2015 at 2:15 am

    You are definitely NOT a coward. What you did takes strength. I hope you are able to move forward with trust in yourself, and find the kind of happiness and relationship you deserve.

  • Reply
    Kristyn
    July 1, 2015 at 6:17 am

    You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Someone who is honest with you before expecting a commitment from you. And I hope you will find that. Try to forgive yourself and forgive him so you can move on and make room for good things to come!

  • Reply
    Kristi
    July 1, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    I don’t even know what to say about this powerful story. Thanks for sharing. You did what you needed to do. It was the right choice. Be strong!

  • Reply
    kelsey
    July 1, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    You are a strong, powerful person and you’re not a coward at all! Never let anyone else make you think that. Never.

  • Reply
    Geoff (Steep Stories)
    July 2, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    In this country, twentysomething divorces are not as uncommon as you might think. Happened to my sister, too. And, no, you are NOT a coward. If the shoe doesn’t fit, one can’t make it stretch.

  • Reply
    Janet
    December 29, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    I don’t understand why you think you were a coward for divorcing him. It sounds like you made the right decision. Leaving a marriage is difficult. I think it took more courage to leave than to stay. I got divorced when I was in my early 40s. It was difficult. But I did the right thing. You did too. You did not break your vows lightly. I think you know in your heart that staying would have been worse for you and for everyone else, especially any children you might have had with him.

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      January 3, 2016 at 2:24 pm

      Hello Janet, i am glad I left, but in the same time, coming from culture where divorce is very, very rare, I do feel I should have sucked it up sometimes – not because it would get better, but because that’s what you do. It’s evey day struggle, reminding myself I am not the guilty one. It’s just life 🙂
      Thanks for commenting!

  • Reply
    CJ
    January 8, 2016 at 8:11 pm

    I grew up in the Midwest, which is also a place where divorce can still carry a stigma, especially in religious/evangelical circles. I am a Christian (though far more progressive than I used to be), and I just wanted to tell you that he broke his vows first. Even by my evangelical roots, he broke them first. He vowed to love, protect, respect you. He vowed to be your partner. He didn’t do those things. He put you in a dangerous situation, both physically (because anyone under the influence has the potential to put you in a dangerous situation) as well as emotionally (he was the one person who should’ve made you feel safe and loved).

    From my more progressive, newly-turned leaf, God does not want you to live in a state of perpetual guilt. He is on your side. He is on everyone’s side- he wants good for us, he wants us to thrive and be at peace. Not as a matter of earthly concerns such as money or fame (those things are tools, not goals), but in our deepest being, he wants us to know we are loved. You are loved.

    Sorry, done with Sunday school 🙂 Just thought maybe you could use some encouragement!

    • Reply
      Funny Nanny
      January 10, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      CJ, thank you so much! I feel so blessed to receive great support and advice from you and many other kind people.

  • Reply
    Andrew S
    January 10, 2018 at 9:00 pm

    I have read this post at least once a week for the past month and a half, I am marrying an Au Pair and I have been so crazy in love with her ever since she said yes. I’ve read this post over and over because in my future with her I don’t want to start behaving like your ex-husband did and abuse her kind heart. Even if your ex didn’t do drugs, I use the examples of his behavior and how he made you feel and treated you to remind me that my marriage to my love will not only be about me, it will be about us as a team. You sound very kind hearted and caring like my future wife, I can not take advantage and be inconsiderate of her loving nature and her big heart like your ex-husband did to you.

    Don’t regret anything, you will find someone that appreciates you and the care you will give them in no time (if you haven’t already 🙂 ). Thank you for sharing.

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